FAQ's
This helpful list of Q & A's for
visitors to Australia is said
to have first appeared
on the website of the 2000
Sydney Olympics.
It is reproduced here for your assistance or your enjoyment (depending on your place of birth).
Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import the plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A. Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A. Sure, it's only 3,000 miles. Take lots of water.
Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q. Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane,
Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A. What did your last slave die of?
Q. Can you give me any information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh,
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Come naked.
Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A. Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll
send you the rest of the directions.
Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
.... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night
at
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q. Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A. No. WE don't stink.
Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A. You are a blonde, right?
Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (France)
A. Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A. Only at Christmas.
Q. Are there any supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
around?(Germany)
A. No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A. Rattlesnakes live only in A-mer-ic-a which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australian but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A. Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.